Quieting Your Inner Critic

Books

Aug 31

A therapist’s guide to self-compassion and kinder inner language

The way we speak to ourselves matters.

We all have an inner voice and for many of us there are times when that inner voice evaluates everything: how we look, how we work, how we show up in relationships, what we say, even how we say it. This is how we can decipher the difference between our inner voice and our negative inner critic. For many, that critical voice can be subtle at times and ruthless at others. You might notice it on a rainy morning with coffee in hand, or walking the seawall replaying a conversation you wish had gone differently. Whether we notice it or not, this voice shapes our moods, emotions, how we feel about ourselves and what we believe.

The inner critic left untamed can be debilitating and paralyzing and that is why learning to become more mindful of it is critical for the well being of your own life.

The first step: notice the tone you use with yourself

In session I often ask, “Do you notice how you speak to yourself?” Some people do; but many have never tuned in. The inner critic tends to be loudest when we’re already struggling—exhausted, overwhelmed, or lonely—making hard moments even harder. Left unchecked, this pattern erodes self-esteem, heightens anxiety, and pushes us into extremely judgmental spirals where we are essentially bullying ourselves.

Why the critic shows up (and what it’s trying to do)

Some inner critics begin as protection—an internal strategy to keep you safe, accepted, or “good.” Maybe it pushed you to work harder after a tough school year, or kept you from risking vulnerability after a painful friendship rupture. Sometimes the critic is inherited: we absorb the self-judgmental voice of a parent who was hard on themselves, or we grow up under heavy criticism and learn to turn that tone inward. What may have been helpful once becomes rigid and punitive over time.

The work then, is to become more mindfully aware of when this voice is loud- and to investigate where and why you are handling yourself in such a harsh way. Most people I work with have NEVER investigated their negative critic and thinking pattern style.

First, we’ll learn to notice it and catch it in real time—then I’ll show you how to soften that voice into self-compassion rather than self-bullying.

Going deeper in therapy

In my practice, we map where the inner critic learned its script and what it fears might happen without it. We practice kinder, truer language and build nervous-system capacity so self-compassion feels possible in real life—not just on the page. The aim isn’t to become someone else; it’s to relate to yourself with honesty and respect- just like you would with your friends and loved-ones.

A therapist-approved tool: RAIN: A Practice of Radical Compassion

I often teach RAIN (adapted from Tara Brach) because it’s simple and doable—even on a busy weekday in Vancouver.

RAIN

Recognize the critic’s voice. Catch the exact phrase (“You are such a loser that always messes thing up”).

Allow the feelings without rushing to fix them (“This is painful, and I can make room for it”).

Investigate with curiosity. Where did this belief begin? What does this part fear would happen without criticism?

Nurture with kindness: First, we’ll learn to notice it and catch it in real time—then I’ll show you how to soften that voice into self-compassion rather than self-bullying. Offer the sentence you’d say to someone you love. Place a hand on your heart; slow your breath.

RAIN doesn’t excuse harm or bypass growth; it creates the safety that growth requires.

Rewriting the narrative: from harsh to helpful

These are three common ways the inner critic shows up and how you can shift each one into something more supportive.

1) From sweeping self- judgments → to specific, context-aware observations

Why: Sweeping self-judgments (“I’m a failure”) are a cognitive distortion that collapse the whole self into one moment. They spike shame and shut down learning. Behavior-specific language is more accurate and keeps the prefrontal cortex online. Emulate how you would likely speak to a friend or a loved one.

Friend-tone reframe:

“I’m such a failure, I can’t do anything right.” → “I missed a deadline this week while juggling a lot. That’s hard—and it’s one data point, not my identity.”
Micro-script: Notice the event → Name the context → Keep identity separate from behavior.

2) From threatening judgmental language → to encouraging self-compassionate language

Why: Threat commands (“Don’t screw up”) cue a stress response (sympathetic arousal), which narrows attention and increases error risk. Learning language widens the window of tolerance, supports self-efficacy, and activates problem-solving.

Friend-tone reframe:

“Don’t screw up or you will be sorry.” → “What would make this 10% easier or safer to try right now?”
Micro-script: Soften threat → Ask a small, doable question → Identify one supportive action.

3) From perfectionistic standards → to proportion and “good-enough”

Why: Perfectionism ties worth to flawless output, driving all-or-nothing thinking and burnout. Proportional thinking is values-based: it asks what actually matters, then right-sizes effort so you can persist. (Think good-enough caregiving—for yourself.)

Friend-tone reframe:

“It has to be perfect, I have to be perfect.” → “What matters most here? Let me do that well and let the rest be good enough for today.”
Micro-script: Name the value/priority → Right-size the task → Release the rest.

Everyday self-compassion (without the cheese)

Self-compassion isn’t indulgent; it’s maintenance. On the days you don’t have it in you for a class or the gym, keep it simple and human:

Drink a full glass of water before you open your laptop. Start with care, not urgency.
Take five quiet minutes on a Kitsilano bench. Let your nervous system settle before you re-enter the day.
Switch your phone to Do Not Disturb after 8 p.m. Protect one small window of peace.
Choose an early bedtime over one more task. Rest is what lets tomorrow go better.

These micro-gestures reinforce the message: “I am worth speaking to kindly.”

FAQs

Guess what? Judging yourself and being hard on yourself doesn’t actually create intrinsic motivation. That approach often just makes us feel like shit. Being self-compassionate is how we tell the truth without shame. Self-compassion increases honesty and accountability because you’re not terrified of your own judgment.
Habits formed over years won’t shift overnight, but practicing in small ways daily helps significantly. Think weeks and months—not minutes. Track tiny wins.
That’s common. Pair rest with structure: a short walk on the seawall, a guided RAIN practice, or a check-in with your therapist.