Reciprocity Rules: How to Give and Receive in Healthy Relationships

Confession

Jun 30

Reciprocity isn’t score-keeping—it’s the rhythm of give and receive that lets relationships feel safe, nourishing, and fair. When the rhythm slips, many people overfunction: they explain more, give more, manage more. Underneath, there’s often a nervous system trained to earn love and a fear that asking to be met will push people away. In therapy, we map that pattern and practice small, doable shifts: clearer bids (“Here’s what I’m asking for”), boundaries that hold, and the skill of receiving without apology. The aim isn’t perfect 50/50; it’s a dependable back-and-forth that restores ease and respect.

2023 was a year where the concept of reciprocity took center stage in my life. It’s something I’ve reflected on deeply, both personally and in my work.

Verywell Mind defines reciprocity as “a mutual exchange of support, emotional investment, care, and love, where each person feels their needs are valued, and there’s a willingness to meet the needs of the other.”

What stands out to me the most is that reciprocity is not just about intention; it’s about action. It is demonstrated through the effort we put in, the consistency we maintain, and the ways we make others feel seen and valued—not only through our words but also through our actions over time.

When Relationships Feel One- Sided

The theme of reciprocity has surfaced again and again in my sessions, revealing a shared confusion about what it truly means to be a friend. What are the expectations? Why do so many people feel unfulfilled in their friendships?

Countless stories emerge—of imbalanced relationships, of feeling unseen, neglected, or emotionally drained by one-sided connections. And yet, a common thread runs through them all: a quiet uncertainty. A lot of us wonder if we the have the right to expect reciprocity. Am I asking for too much? Are my feelings even valid?

TRUTH: Wanting balance in your relationships isn’t unreasonable—it’s essential.

And yet, I’ve noticed a pattern—many people question whether it’s okay to expect reciprocity in their friendships. They wonder if they’re asking for too much or if their feelings are valid.

What is reciprocity in relationships?

It’s the felt sense that care and effort move both ways over time—not perfectly, but reliably. If you chronically overgive, we work on boundaries, bids for connection, and tolerating the discomfort of receiving.

Evaluating Your Friendships

As I’ve grown older, I’ve developed a practice of regularly evaluating my relationships—a habit that has been crucial for my mental health and well-being.

I’ve learned to prioritize relationships that feel balanced and let go of the ones that drain me, or relationships that don’t nourish me. Adopting a "give fewer fucks" mindset has allowed me to focus on what truly matters: connections that feel mutual, fulfilling, and supportive.

I started paying attention to how I felt in my friendships:

Was I the one always reaching out?
Did I feel like I was carrying most of the emotional weight?
Was I priority?
Was my effort being matched in return?

When I realized that certain relationships left me feeling drained or undervalued, I knew it was time to reassess.

Then, I came across a quote that changed everything for me:

“You don't get to tell people how to love you. You get to choose if you want to participate in the way they love.”

Iyanla Vanzant

That was my lightbulb moment.

I don’t have to convince anyone to care for me the way I care for them. I don’t have to chase reciprocity. Instead, I get to choose the relationships I invest in—the ones where love and effort flow both ways easily.

Choosing Wisely

We all define friendship differently. What feels like a meaningful connection to one person may not be the same for another—and that’s okay.

Some people simply don’t know how to be the kind of friend I need, and that’s okay too. What matters is that I get to choose who I allow into my life.

So if a relationship isn’t giving you what you need, ask yourself:

Does this connection feel reciprocal?
Does this friendship nourish me?
Am I valued in the same way I value them?

And most importantly, choose wisely.

Quick Answers

You feel resentful, unseen, or anxious if you stop initiating.
Use a specific, time-bound bid: “Could you call me after your meeting today?”
Start tiny. Say “thank you” (not “you shouldn’t have”) and notice your body settle.
No. It’s dependable back-and-forth across seasons, not perfect symmetry every day.