Healing Through Rupture and Repair
PARENTING FROM THE INSIDE OUT: BY DANIEL SIEGEL & MARY HARTZELL
A professor once told me, “Your children will serve you yourself.” Those words have stayed with me ever since. As a parent, I’ve had countless moments where my child’s actions or reactions forced me to take a hard look at my own behaviors. These moments stopped me in my tracks, making me question my parenting strategies and were also an invitation to reflect on my own childhood.
Parenting has a way of bringing up unresolved emotions, patterns, and experiences from our past—often without warning.
Understanding Ourselves to Better Support Our Children
In Parenting from the Inside Out, Dr. Daniel J. Siegel and Mary Hartzell explore this very concept. They emphasize that our personal history and emotional experiences shape the way we parent. The book introduces the idea of mindful parenting—a practice rooted in self-reflection and emotional awareness.
By understanding our own attachment history, we can gain insight into how we connect with our children. This process helps us:
Recognize the ways our past experiences influence our parenting.
Strengthen our relationships with our children.
Foster deeper emotional security and trust.
Why Rupture and Repair Matter
One of the most impactful lessons from the book is the importance of rupture and repair in parent-child relationships.
Here’s the truth: ruptures happen in every relationship. Whether it’s a disagreement, a raised voice, or an emotional disconnect, conflict is inevitable. But what makes the difference is how we handle it afterward.
If you didn’t experience this process as a child—if apologies were rare or difficult conversations were avoided—then the idea of repairing may feel unfamiliar. Yet, this process is crucial for building secure relationships. When we take the time to acknowledge a rupture, discuss what happened, and reconnect, we show our children that:
Their feelings and experiences matter.
Conflict doesn’t mean disconnection.
Love and trust are not easily broken.
The Power of Repair
Think of it this way: when small cracks form in a foundation, addressing them makes the structure stronger, not weaker. The same applies to parent-child relationships. When we acknowledge a rupture and work through it together, it actually deepens connection and trust.
Ignoring or dismissing conflicts, on the other hand, can create emotional distance and insecurity over time. Repairing relationships when things go off track teaches children resilience, emotional regulation, and how to navigate conflict in a healthy way.
Parenting is a Journey, Not Perfection
Through my work supporting parents, I’ve seen how powerful repairing ruptures can be. Parenting is not about never making mistakes—it’s about showing up, acknowledging missteps, and making it clear to our children that we will always be there, even in the tough moments.
A Practical Guide for Parents
Parenting from the Inside Out blends scientific research with practical strategies, offering exercises that help parents develop:
Greater emotional awareness.
A deeper understanding of their own childhood experiences.
Tools for nurturing secure, connected relationships with their children.
Some sections of the book dive into dense psychological concepts, but in between, there are deeply insightful and practical chapters that encourage self-reflection.
The takeaway? When we work on ourselves, we give our children the gift of a more emotionally present and attuned parent.
