Healing Through Rupture & Repair: Parenting From the Inside Out

Books

Apr 30

PARENTING FROM THE INSIDE OUT: BY DANIEL SIEGEL & MARY HARTZELL

What is rupture and repair in parenting?

A rupture is a disconnect (raised voice, missed cue, shutdown). Repair is returning to name what happened, own your part, and reconnect. Done consistently, repair strengthens attachment, teaches emotion skills, and shows that love isn’t fragile.

Parenting exposes our edges. Moments of misattunement—snapping, shutting down, missing a cue—aren’t proof you’re failing; they’re normal ruptures. What matters most is what comes next. Repair is the process of circling back to name the moment, take responsibility, and reconnect so your child’s nervous system learns: conflict doesn’t equal abandonment. Drawing from Parenting from the Inside Out (Siegel & Hartzell), I invite parents to look inward—your attachment history, your triggers—so repair becomes easier and faster. You don’t need perfect scripts; you need warm tone, clear ownership, and a simple path back to each other. Below you’ll find quick scripts, and a short checklist you can use in real time.

A professor once told me, “Your children will serve you yourself.” Those words have stayed with me ever since. As a parent, I’ve had countless moments where my child’s actions or reactions forced me to take a hard look at my own behaviors. These moments stopped me in my tracks, making me question my parenting strategies and were also an invitation to reflect on my own childhood.

Parenting has a way of bringing up unresolved emotions, patterns, and experiences from our past—often without warning.

Understanding Ourselves to Better Support Our Children

In Parenting from the Inside Out, Dr. Daniel J. Siegel and Mary Hartzell explore this very concept. They emphasize that our personal history and emotional experiences shape the way we parent. The book introduces the idea of mindful parenting—a practice rooted in self-reflection and emotional awareness.

By understanding our own attachment history, we can gain insight into how we connect with our children. This process helps us:

Recognize the ways our past experiences influence our parenting.
Strengthen our relationships with our children.
Foster deeper emotional security and trust.

Why Rupture and Repair Matter

One of the most impactful lessons from the book is the importance of rupture and repair in parent-child relationships.

Here’s the truth: ruptures happen in every relationship. Whether it’s a disagreement, a raised voice, or an emotional disconnect, conflict is inevitable. But what makes the difference is how we handle it afterward.

If you didn’t experience this process as a child—if apologies were rare or difficult conversations were avoided—then the idea of repairing may feel unfamiliar. Yet, this process is crucial for building secure relationships. When we take the time to acknowledge a rupture, discuss what happened, and reconnect, we show our children that:

Their feelings and experiences matter.
Conflict doesn’t mean disconnection.
Love and trust are not easily broken.

The Power of Repair

Think of it this way: when small cracks form in a foundation, addressing them makes the structure stronger, not weaker. The same applies to parent-child relationships. When we acknowledge a rupture and work through it together, it actually deepens connection and trust.

Ignoring or dismissing conflicts, on the other hand, can create emotional distance and insecurity over time. Repairing relationships when things go off track teaches children resilience, emotional regulation, and how to navigate conflict in a healthy way.

Parenting is a Journey, Not Perfection

Through my work supporting parents, I’ve seen how powerful repairing ruptures can be. Parenting is not about never making mistakes—it’s about showing up, acknowledging missteps, and making it clear to our children that we will always be there, even in the tough moments.

A Practical Guide for Parents

Parenting from the Inside Out blends scientific research with practical strategies, offering exercises that help parents develop:

Greater emotional awareness.
A deeper understanding of their own childhood experiences.
Tools for nurturing secure, connected relationships with their children.

Some sections of the book dive into dense psychological concepts, but in between, there are deeply insightful and practical chapters that encourage self-reflection.

The takeaway? When we work on ourselves, we give our children the gift of a more emotionally present and attuned parent.

If you want support tailoring repair to your child’s age and your family history, I offer individual parent sessions (Vancouver & virtual). We can map your triggers and build scripts that feel like you.

Quick Repair Scripts (age-flexible)

After you yelled

“I raised my voice. That was scary. I’m sorry. You didn’t cause my tone. I’m going to take two deep breaths and try again.”

After you missed a cue

“I didn’t notice how upset you were. Thanks for hanging in. I want to understand—can we start over?”

When you set a limit

“The answer is no to more screen time, and your feelings about that make sense. I’m here while you’re sad/angry.”

When your child explodes

“Your feelings are big and safe with me. Let’s stomp it out / squeeze the pillow / breathe together, then talk.”

For teens

“I was reactive about the curfew. My job is safety; my tone wasn’t OK. Let’s agree on a plan we both can live with.”

Repair Checklist (print & keep on the fridge)

☐ Soften body + voice before speaking

☐ Name the rupture (what happened, not who they “are”)

☐ Own your part (no “but you…”)

☐ Validate feelings (“That was scary / frustrating”)

☐ State the limit (if relevant) + offer a do-over

☐ Reconnect (hug, hand on shoulder, shared snack, short walk)

☐ Circle back later with a brief reflection (“What worked for us today?”)

Mind the “inside-out” part (self-reflection prompts)

What in this moment belongs to my history, not my child?
What feeling was under my reaction (fear, helplessness, shame)?
What repair did I need as a kid that I can offer now?
One sentence I’ll use next time: ___________________________

FAQs

Good parents repair faster. Frequency matters less than consistency and tone of repair.
No. Owning impact, models accountability and increases trust in your leadership.
Regulate first. Offer a brief repair and proximity (“I’m here when you’re ready”). Try again later—predictability wins over time.
Any time there’s a noticeable disconnect: raised voice, shutdown, missed cue, prolonged stand-off.
Apologize for your part and keep limits intact. “I’m sorry I snapped. The limit stands; I’ll hold it calmly.”